(no subject)

Ok I'll just write a few words, just like that... I'm not even all that used to writing in English anymore, and the picture with me with the guitar seems like long ago and I feel more like a summer girl now but I know the year has all kinds of seasons... and again it has started getting cooler and in the forecast there is a lot of rain, and I look at the forecast for Split and somehow wish I was back there... wish it was summer... wish I was with Ivica, yes, that too.... sitting on one of the benches there by the sea, where the water is so... plitak, see I can't think of the English word, Croatian and German yes but english where is it... and somehow I like this even am I crazy... no, just a different sense of belonging now.
Well there wherre the water is the opposite of deep, where you see the little fish swimming when you look down, smaller ones and bigger ones and some crabs crawling etc... and the warm mild wind and it is getting night and we sit down on the bench and the local kids come by and kid around with us... and I lay my head on his shoulder.
I am not complaining about my life now, I know God has a wonderful plan for us all, and it is also wonderful to be with family again, and at work again, and just to live, yes, and even to be melancholic, have I not always liked that?
Still a longing... a good kind of longing... was it all meant to be? I have to pray a lot. I have to pray for friends of mine... and for me and Ivica, that God will lead us on the right way... oh I do feel ready for a big change somehow, and already I feel like I am only a part of a couple somehow, but now that I am further away again maybe it's a bit different again... but still, like we belong together... and like I have become part of the place there too, that was even before ivica, but now all the more... and he smiles at me and tells me he will show me everything... and we walk with that poor little doggie and I amke him go into the water because the sun is oh so hot, and he swims, swims next to me, and then pulls me and I laugh, and he sees another dog and stands up on his hind legs...
And then the time when my good girl friend was leaving, so sad too somehow, such a sadness in the air, the whole concept of leaving, and feeling for her and her family... evening and already toward the end of summer but oh so warm a night...
This is all so very poetic now and somehow I feel so happy because... because I could, and can, experience so many wonderful good things, and sad things but it's all life... and somehow it's all in God's hands, for all of us... and I hope and pray for the best for everybody... that everything turns out for the best for everybody, GOD, He can do this.
And sceptical parents on both sides but a love that is strong... and then doubts again but then a love that is so strong... and a faith that lets me keep on going, always.... and a love and a longing in my heart and it's all... yes, wonderful.... and now I guess I just have to work a bit and only God knows how it will go on and when I will go back... in November, maybe? And Ivica, you are waiting for me down there and what are you doing right now, are you sleeping already, are you dreaming of me? Remember how we saw the moon and I said when it looks the same again i will be back... and I did come back, but that is already past again and now it is September... now I remember that song "wake me up when september ends", that belongs to a totally different time but it somehow fits right now, but on the other hand it is still summer somehow and I like to carry the sunshine in my eyes and my shoulders still being brown fromm all the walks in the sun and I feel I want to live there... and yes, live with him... can I do this?
And I love to sing the songs at church and I love to think of what exciting things life still holds for us...


Wrote this, quite spontaneously, a couple weeks or so ago.
Something that's been on my mind for a while, to write about.

A feeling
so strong
it makes me want to
as this warm wind blows
and the lights across the bay
the sea
like speaking to me
the air embracing me
on this familiar way
along the shore
on a warm summer night
the wind now
like a thought:
summers end
things in life
the sadness
so strong
so deep
at least the hope:
I'll be back again
How would it be
if life itself
would pass like this
would pass even permanently
- The wind, the thought:
That's where Faith comes in
How could we live
with the sadness
of never
seeing something again
of never
feeling again
not just a summer
Oh what comfort
when Faith comes in
I walk and know
God is leading me
still sadness is part
of life
and the warm wind tears at my heart tonight
and at the same time comforts me
I breathe in the sea air
and walk by the small pebbled beach
on this familiar way
hear the crickets' song
and maybe somebody
calling my name
saying don't cry...
A feeling so deep
so raw
so real
so much life
so much sadness
and so much Faith
tonight I really want to cry
because of this summer night good-bye
because of the questions
in my head
will it be the same again?
Oh beauty shining light
So much beauty in this life
to see the little fish swim
the little squirrels run
the sun
go down
the lights
come on
to live.... thank You, Lord.... so much beauty, so much happiness....
and still only You
Are eternal
Is it ok to feel so much
in this world?
Oh sadness, sadness, life, longing.... summer songs
tonight I walk
I cry with the wind
I sing with the stars
but want to sing only praise
because of You, Lord
good-byes are not forever
sadness is not deadly
the heart does not explode
I cry
but my tears are part of life.
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Congratulations! You won a million dollars but you have to give it all away. How will you distribute the money?
I'd ^think try to find charities where you can have the most effect for the money you give. For example where giving food can really save lives.
I'd also give some to people I know who are in financially critical situations.

(no subject)

Wow what do I post about that time.
I never posted... guess I was busy... and internet time was somewhat limited. Anyway, I got back from Croatia yesterday. The people I went with in June had left much earlier, they only stayed about 2 weeks as planned... I stayed on... and on.... About 1 1/2 months I stayed at a campsite near Split, and I made friends with homeless people in a little park and encountered so many beautiful things and so much sharing... and sad stories too. I got to know people from the bazaar who'd sometimes give me fruit for free because they knew I'd share it with the poor...  I felt so well down there. Made friends with people who worked at the campsite too. My little tent kind of became my home. The cleaning lady became one of my best friends. She sent me an e-mail yesterday she'd keep waiting on the bench in front of the bathroom house at 7.30pm for me to get back from church.... how we'd chat there in the evenings... I really started crying yesterday.
Mild nights wonderful for camping... ok, there was one week or a bit longer when the weather was SCARY, thunderstorms and high winds... but then the summer weather came, highs in the nineties, lows mostly in the 70s... I just checked Yahoo for the weather in Split and for 10pm it said 84...

Was a long trip back yetserday. My aunt and her husband from Ausrtia (with whom I had driven down, and with my friend Raphael), who wanted to visit my parents in Switzerland, came down to meet me in Selce, much further up the coast. I had come there by bus. Since their arrival had been delayed because of car problems (the original plan had been that we'd spend a few nights at the campsite there (in June we had first slept about a week at that camp, before heading down to Split)...  we didn't even spend the night at the camp there, but started the journey to Switzerland around midnight after spending some time at the campsite restaurant. When he who drove was tired he drove to the side and slept a bit... I had the backseat, so that was quite comfortable...

Now I want to work a bit here and then maybe go back down in September. Similar to what it was like in SF.... people in the park called me "little angel"... there is a very old homeless woman, who also takes care of some cats there who then had little ones too... and another very old lady, who isn't homeless but very poor, in her poverty comes and brings that first lady something to eat from home almost every day...

Wonderful little community. And I think I could really help some people too... I hope so.... anyway it's the love that counts, the sharing... the friendship.

I think I'll write more another time...
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(no subject)

The others have left on Saturday and I am now camping by myself again. I am at a campsite close to Split, have been here for a while. I have visited an old friend of my aunt's that she reconnected with, and I talk to people and also make friends with animals... there as a dog on the campsite who is so cute.... on the other campsite where we were (Selce) there was a cat that I gave some food (wasn0t the only one).

Last weekend we had some heavy storms!! I am glad my tent held up!!!!!!

My aunt and her husband may drive down to Selce again in about 2 or 3 weeks or so, and then I can meet up with them again. It's not far for them when they have work to do in the South of Austria.

Bye for now!
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(no subject)

Long time no write.

But I am alive.

Been working. Doing things. Struggling sometimes.

Now yesterday I said good bye at work for a while.
I am going on a trip again, Tuesday. I am not exactly sure for how long. Going camping in Croatia again. This tim with my aunt, her husband, and a good friend of mine. I may well stay longer than the others though.

First I have to fight a cold I just got last night!! I hope I am better Tuesday.

Bye and God bless!

Holy Saturday

The expectance. The waiting. Tonight: The easter Vigil.
The sad time over. Soon. The new fire. The new hope, new life, new warmth.

Will we remember? This Lenten time? The darker time? Does it matter? We will feel the joy. We may have learned something during the time of penance. We may be aware of it or not.

What is important: We can hope. We can love. We can share.
We can LIVE.

Good Friday

Good Friday is a solemn day, a day of fasting and prayer. We remember that Christ died for us. We try to comprehend His great love for us. Is it possible to comprehend that love?
"Lord, You died for us..." What does that really mean? Ah, to take suffering upon oneself, to help somebody else. Out of love. What does it really mean? I think of Jesus in the garden, how He prayed, how He was afraid, but still: He let God's will be done. Complete trust. Even in fear. And then pain.
And the sadness too: How can people do that?
And already, forgiveness: "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do."

Can we fully comprehend this? And it goes on: The mystery of Jesus' death and resurrection. Oh, to have that hope already: He will rise again. He DID rise again. To hold on to that hope.

And still, today is a day of fasting and quietness. A day of remembrence. Of feeling WITH Christ. Even we cannot feel, and comprehend, it all.

A slow day. Physically, emotionally, even out in the world: A slow day; a funeral procession would fit.
People gather at church. They venerate the cross. They put flowers in front of the cross. Yes, like a funeral.

And still, hope is alive. Life, love: They live. Ah, to already yearn for tomorrow night, for the Easter Vigil, when the lights and the colors will change again, when the sad time will be over...

But today is a solemn, a slow, a reflective day. A quiet day.